I'm sitting here, on a warm and wonderful Saturday, reviewing pieces of paper and ephemera from the past ten years of my life, and feeling my courage crumble. Today was a Danielle-style. picture-perfect day: I woke up, took my compost to the Greenmarket (no comments, pls), got La Colombe coffee from Bittersweet, saw Jeff outside on my way home, talked to Jim for 45 min on the phone after I read the New York Times, putzed, hung out with Dave and Bettina, ran into Jason and Kayvalyn. It was all random, and spur of the moment, and special; the flowering trees smelled pretty, the sun peaked out from behind stormclouds, and the weather was oh-so-warm.
But then I came home and turned my attention fully to packing, and I hit a wall. I've found letters from lovers, cards from family, collected notions from places I've visited, postcards from friends' travels. Pictures, pins, articles... you name it, I've kept it and carried it around since leaving home at 18. Now that I'm leaving the US permanently, the thought of keeping it all seems ridiculous, but throwing everything in the trash is cruel and gutwrenching. How can I send the letters Jim typed to me on his typewriter while listening to Yo La Tengo in 2005 to a landfill? Or the condolence cards people sent me when my grandfather passed away? Or the postcards my brother, a notorious for never writing or calling, sent me from his summer in Barcelona?
The thought of disposing of my past terrifies me, more so than the thought of me leaving New York or the US. Humans have a great tendency to keep moving forward, leaving wreckage in our wake; rarely do we turn around and assess the damage before going on with more care and caution. Sometimes I think I am the opposite, that I live too much in the past and regard the future with hesitancy and skepticism. Whichever extreme may be the case, neither is healthy - balance is necessary in terms of understanding where one has come from and where one is going. But that doesn't relieve the pain of personally putting remnants of one's college years in trash bags and hauling them to the curb.
As I'm writing this, the stormclouds have gathered again and my lovely spring weather is, I fear, over for today. I know it will be nice again tomorrow, but it's funny how the weather has followed my mood today. Already a chill has picked up, and its not making my heart feel any better.
I know this is very webby and possibly lame solution (and you've probably already thought of it), but why don't you scan all of the stuff you would want and save it online somewhere? That way, you can get to it wherever and whenever you want, and if you do decide to landfill them, you'll still have them to look at.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. I totally subscribed to your blog feed and am looking forward to hearing about adventures over there.
Good luck :)
taylor